Rantings of a ninja mommy.....

10:47am: Weekly ranting!!
WHO THE FRICK CARES!?!?!

I swear, if I have to read one more news blurb about Tiger Woods, and what he should or shouldn't do, or what should or shouldn't be private. I am going to end up punching my computer screen. What the hell has happened? It was brought sadly to my attention by Paris Hilton, yes paris Hilton in an episode of the most recent season of Supernatural, that..."people used to have idols". Now we have US weekly, Twitter, and well Her. (she was playing a pagan God who took the shape of current idols to consume her victims)
Then i think about when Jackson died, and Anna Nicole, and NOTHING else was reported on the news for almost a month. Hundreds of people died, and now back to the Michael Jackson Tribute.

Ughhh, I give up.

1:58pm: Writer's Block: Famous last words


I would tell my daughter she is the greatest thing that could have ever happened in my life.

12:11pm: What part do you not understand???
UGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I had the most frustrating phone call on saturday afternoon.
(preface about two years ago, I hit a realyl scary rock bottom. Was surronded by people not so good for me, partying waay too much, didn't want anything to do with really anyone.)
Yes that is the extreme clifnotes version.
Anyway, it was a very long process of pulling myself back up.
Finding out I was going to be a Mommy was a beautiful motivator.
I am finally feeling comfortable talking to some of the people that I haven't talked to in forever. Understanding that there were going to be negative reactions etc.
So I am sitting on th phone, and this person wants to know why I "cut them out, and why its taken me so long to finally let them back in?" they swear that there is some alterior motive for THEM. ARGHHH, by the time I got off the phone, i was so angry, I wondered why I even bothered in the first place.
What part of, I was not well in my head at the time. Do they NOT GET?
I am still so irriated, that I could freakin care less if they still want to be in my life or not.
Honestly, just when I think about it, I just want to punch a wall.

2:52pm: Writer's Block: I'm sorry


Wow this hits home today for a lot of reasons. Well, you see, about two years ago, I went kinda cookoo, and got mixed up in a whole lotta drama and just crap that I really didn't need to be in. I fell apart really fast. I pulled away from soooo many people, because I thought they would bring me down from what I thought was my "freedom" or happy place.
Then I pushed them even further away, when I hit rock bottom, I was so ashamed of how far off base I had been.

As far as those that I would say I am sorry too, everyone that got caught in my self destructive crossfire.

There are a couple that I would tell I love you, at least one of them knows that I feel that way. The others, haven't really got the chance.

9:30am: S. Darko.....BLAH. (SPOILER WARNING)
SO Josh won a membership for a year to Blockbuster's mail movie program.
Which has been awsome, because well with the new baby, not a lot of extra cash. So we don't get to theatres very often.

So we were both excited when the Sequel to Donnie Darko, S. Darko, was the one from our que that got sent to us.

The lead up etc, was awesome. But still lacked the originality and such of the original.

And then......the nerdy guy gets the girl but is messed up because of some meteor, and it ends. Only to have time reset and have her leave the town before any of the bad stuff happens, and then......nothing. the movie just freaking ends.

Needless to say, not what we were expecting, but whatever.

We got watched Quarantine too....YEAH, we got about 45 minutes into it, and a migrane later from the shakey camera, to CDC, talkinga about Rabies?
OK, at least 28 days later, was Rage infected monkeys....but rabies induced zombies, WTF?? Maybe it will all become clear when I can consume enough Advil before watching it again and finish the stupid thing.

5:03pm: Everything that has made me....
I was looking back on some old photos today, and it got me reminiscing, and I was able to see what some of my old friends had been up to etc.
I would not trade and OUNCE of what I have been through the past few years, no regrets, etc. Everything has lead me to be who I am today.

There are days though, that sometimes it seems like, I may have made some wrong choices. However, I know that I would not be where I am today if I hadn't made them. I would not have the little angel at home waiting for me to get home from work, etc. But I still wonder what would be different if I had made different choices.
My angstyness coming out, maybe I don't know.

But I get very angry some days, and sometimes sad...when I see where others are now, and think, huh, I could have been there too.
Hindsight is 20/20 as they like to say...but its hard when you find out A LOT of information after the fact. I wonder what if I hadn't been so lead by my emotions...if I would have stopped to think.

I don't know.
All part of my walking conflicted self.

12:05pm: Lemmings...
My freespirited, intelligent free thinking Goddaughter....has turned along with being a pre-teen, into a lemming.
Obsessed with EVERYTHING that the popular kids are doing.

I guess I was an odd duck. I never flipping cared.
I was the little goth kid. And drama/choir geek, and that was ok.
We had our own little circle within that and it was fine and dandy.

Her mother and I also started giggling at her obsession with Twillight, and thinking she is now Goth as a result. We both informed her, that no Edward is indeed not Goth, just emo. (and a really creepy symbol for the mormon church)

I guess we must go through it at some point that whole identity thing.
Neither her mother or I have the heart to tell her...its an ongoing growing process.

1:46pm: Writer's Block: Clock Punching


Ahh my first job, probably also my best. Great people and doing what I loved, working the stunt show at six flags. Ah yes, those were the days.

3:45pm: Writer's Block: Bite Me


Jean Claude From the Anita Blake novels.
The Charming master of the city could melt even the coldest of hearts.

9:57am: Grin and bare it?
*Sigh*
So I have decided to officially just cut all ties with the person I was talking about in my post yesterday. I don't need the headaches, and I don't need something that trivial messing with my head and heart, when I have my daughter to worry about.
I am tired of being angry, or frustrated, or just plain upset over people who don't get their way, and throw temper tantrums.
This round about passive aggressive way she dealt with things, reminds me of the petty stuff that went on in Junior high and Highschool. I don't know...I thought I graduated in 2002. And this person is older than me even.
The funniest part is she would always be the first to say, just tell me what you are feeling, so that I can understand. *shrug* Yeah, do as I say not as I do? Communication is key, she would say...ok, if you say so.


*****UPDATE*****
Well I did it. I thought I would honestly be more upset than I am right now.
I honestly feel better, I got everything out in the open.
I am going to miss the interaction with my Godson's.
But a weight has been lifted.

3:02pm: True Colors
Ok, for anyone that doesn't know...having a baby is a life changing event. Just throwing that out there. I thought that was common sense.
AND YET... Josh and I in the last two days have gotten bombarded by not the people we would expect, oh no, but by the people we trusted the most, that we were closest to....with snide comments of "you have changed" " I thought we were still going to be friends" "Why aren't you there for me anymore" "Why don't you answer the phone when we call anymore".

The last three months, I can honestly say I am the happiest I think I have ever been. Yes I am still dealing with a great many things right now. We just past the three year anniversary of when my world went to hell. My aunt died, and right on the heels of that other bad things happened, (ray and alex you know what I am talking about).

But I am happier now like I said than I think I have been. Are there still little things that could be better sure! But thats life.

My daughter is truly the light of my life.
Some people however are getting jealous of the fact that my ability to do all the things I used to do (going out until all hours, dropping everything on a moments notice...etc)

My priorites are different now, DUH! I don't get what is so hard for these people (keep in mind this person has three kids...6, 17, and 24.) to understand. Not to mention that I don't have the money to be burning through my gas at a moments notice. Every penny of our finances seems to be recalculated about ten times before our next check even arrives.

Anyway, my last straw was her sending an email "cancelling" an event at her house later this month. Except she only "cancelled" for me. There were about 7 people on the original invite.
So I am done, and have decided to turn my attentions to healthier friendships.

3:05pm: Information overload.....
Inspired by Alex, this sort of my info dump for the last Oh year or so.

Went back to work last year at my old job. Ironically doing exactly what I was doing and at the same site I was at when I left.
Was performing with a group that shall remain anonymous, mainly because I do not want to see another verbal war over nothing in sue.
Did two out of the three big shows of the season, and then....end of September, I found out I was going to be a Mommy.
Left the group in a blaze of glory, or something...basically losing touch with several people because of selfish people who couldn't see past themselves.
Fast forward to April 13th, I had my beautiful little girl, Nyx.

Now back to work since the end of May, and hating it. Wishing I could be a stay at home Mommy. But we really can't afford it.

Josh and I are talking about buying a house, our lease is up in October, so we are trying to make some fast decisions. One thing is clear, we can't live in the apartment anymore. The neighbors are annoying, and so is dumping almost 800 a month in rent when it could be going to a mortgage.

Car is paid for...and I am getting out from under a mountain of bills.

Life is good, things are happy, and I honestly am in a different sort of place than I ever imagined.

2:38pm: Little better
Things are better today. Just in a stressful phase of things right this second. And had a bunch of things blow up all at once.
Just realized how much some people just expect me to bend to their whims.
Whats worse, how much I accomodate them in doing so. Hate upsetting anyone, or disappointing anyone, so therefore I end up in a position where I only disappoint myself, and still end up pissing someone else off in the process.

Had to take two days off last week with Nyx, she was sick. And missed all day yesterday, cause I had a biopsy yesterday morning and felt like crap afterward. Just seems to have been a lot of stuff since I got back from leave.
And my job isn't the most flexible when it comes to trying to get days off.

Struggling with some friends right now, who are mad at me for being bad at communicating. When by the same token, they can't seem to initiate anything, or when they do all they do is whine, and its always about them, and when I try to talk about things that are going on with me, suddenly its not that important. OR they are suddenly getting busy, etc. Yet when i am busy, I am just being a biotch.

5:21pm: Annoyance with humanity
I AM THE ONE WHO IS UNRESPONSIVE you say???

I am the bad guy in all situations once again.....
You aren't going to go to the ceremony for your granddaughter, that has been planned for two months, because a friend who we got invites from for a baby shower is having it the same day??? Fine just one more time I have been slighted for something at the damn church!!!

I am the bad guy because I don't communicate??????????? You are the one who doesn't seem to know how to type back an email or pick up a flipping phone. I was under the impression that this day and age communication worked both ways. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! Guess I missed that memo.

I am supposed to chose work, or my child work or my child...................guess what my priority is going to be?

YOU WANT EVERYTHING TO BE OK!!!!!!!!!!!! You insulted me, belittled me behind my back and sat back and allowed other to do the same....yet you miss being friends. HOW THE HECK DOES THAT WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I stand up for my friends...oh wait you know that cause that killed your ego too.

And this is just this week............

3:01am: Chapter 1
Hello! Well I have finally gotten to a point to use this account.
I have started this page to keep you all up to date mostly on my writing.
I would love feedback and such. The following entries will be for my Highlander Fan Fiction that I am in the works of doing.

So here is Chapter 1, Enjoy, and I looooove feedback Thanks!



Highlander: Burned Bridges
A Fan Fiction

By Jewel Lehman

Chapter 1

Four a.m. Who in their right mind was calling me at four o’clock in the bloody morning? I fumbled through the dark trying to find the phone. Found it, half dazed and all out annoyed by this point “Hello?”
“Hello Isabella, looks like I finally found you. Did you really think that you could hide from me forever?”
I slammed the receiver down. I knew that voice, thankfully I hadn’t heard it in about 30 years, but now, out of the blue like this. No, not now not again. I sat straight up in bed now disturbingly awake. It was Shen, someone that had tried to use me as black mail, and worse against my friend and mentor Connor. First he tried to kill me, then he tried to seduce me. Talk about the cart before the horse and all that. Which was he after now? I didn’t want to find out. It was time for me to leave, pick up, and leave just like that, again. A sad reality for those like me. Sometimes there is a choice between consistency and survival. Today, I was choosing survival.
Within a matter of two hours I had my life packed into two large duffle bags. My furnished studio apartment was paid per month, and this month was paid up. I dropped a note in my landlords mailbox, and was in my car, which I had already signed over now to my friend Janelle, she was going to be confused, but she would understand one day. She just had to get it at the airport later.
Now was my turn to make that early morning phone call, I hit the speed dial on my cell phone and hoped the number still worked. I was calling Duncan. I hadn’t spoken a word to him in about 10 years. Despite his letter and calls to me. No, not a word in ten years, not since Connor died.
Connor was like a father to me, really the only one I really ever knew. The man who raised me was a decent enough gentleman, but times were different then, and a female child wasn’t a priority to a father. Connor on the other hand, knew what I would become, he saw to it that I learned to use a sword, and after I was turned, he protected me until I could fend for myself.
The chaos all started about 20 years prior to this, Connor’s adopted daughter Rachel was killed by a relentless immortal named Kell. Connor had experienced a lot of pain and tragedy in his time, and Rachel’s death was too much. He put himself in a place called “Sanctuary”. He was removed from the game, and from the pain in his life. Ten years later, Kell attacked the sanctuary and killed everyone except for Connor. All that took place ten years ago now, and in the end Connor had been killed. On top of everything Duncan had been the one to kill Connor. I was betrayed, and lost. Despite all of Duncan’s attempts to talk to me, I just lived in rage, I didn’t want to hear any of it. At that moment, all the explanation in the world wouldn’t take away my pain. So I shut him out. Until now, now he was all I had.
A voice answered hurriedly on the other end. The voice was as soft as silk, and had just a touch of that Scottish brogue from all those centuries ago in the Highlands. I realized that he was still on the line, and I hadn’t said a word. Even more so, I had forgotten to breath.
“Hello? Is anyone there?” He asked.
“Duncan…” I hesitated I could feel a knot in my throat not wanting me to speak, “Its Bella.” Only two people ever called me Bella one was Connor, the other Duncan. Sort of a term of endearment I think. Now hearing it across his lips, it was comforting, and familiar. It helped take away a lot of the fear and pain in my heart at this second. It’s funny how one little word can say so much.
“Bella, well, umm, what a surprise.” Mostly shock, and with a little bit of contempt mixed in I think.
“I know, look, I am coming to New York, and was hoping I could see you.”
“When?”
“I am heading to the airport now, probably by this evening sometime.” Did I really sound this hesitant? Was I ready for this for real? It all sounded okay in my head, but now in the flesh, I was unsure.
“There’s a problem isn’t there?” He asked.
That was a loaded question if I ever heard one. I put my pride aside, and answered, “Yes, but its too long a story for the phone.” I lied no it wasn’t, pretty straight forward actually.
“Okay, dinner then. When you get here.” 10 years and the man was taking me to dinner. He really was full of surprises.
“Great, see you in a few hours. Bye Duncan.”
“Bye.”
I hit the end button and took a deep breath. Life was about to get really interesting and that scared me. When you are already immortal, and you have people hunting you down to take your head, interesting was not always a good thing. I wasn’t sure I was really ready for this. I wasn’t really sure of much in the last couple of hours, one step at a time I guess. One step at a time.

3:27pm: Tada!!
Well here I am, with a Live Journal Blog.
Have much to say here in a bit, but for now, its just going to be this.

Be Prepared!!!